Wednesday, July 25, 2007

My Box of Chocolates

Today is Wednesday. I was going to go to church tonight, I really was. I even plucked my eyebrows (the first time since, well, Sunday). But then five o’clock rolled around and I knew that I had this huge list of things to do before I could go, like feed the boys, pack both their bags, find something nice for me to wear (NOT the stained t-shirt and shorts I’ve been mulling around in all week), and then load them into the car and drive to church where I may or may not be able to actually sit through the service. Forget about actually worshipping or taking notes. That’s when I decided I’d be better off to just stay home. So here I am sitting at my computer, typing on my blog, feeling like a heathen. I have my 1-yr-old son, Noah on my lap “reading” what I’m typing, and my foot is bouncing my 3-week-old son, Jack who is starting to fuss just a little.

And this is when I start to wonder where the heck my soon-to-be ex-husband is and why he isn’t home where he belongs, helping me! It almost brings me to tears because this is not what I imagined my life being like. I imagined the perfect little family, husband, wife, kids, happy and so proud of what they’ve created together. Instead here I am. Single, broke, and with two boys under a year and a half. How can I do this on my own? I have to go and find a job next month – what job? And where will I send my boys, my precious boys whom I have never left with a babysitter…ever? And do you thing their father cares? Not in the least. We haven’t seen him in over two weeks. He quit his job, there’s no child support. I haven’t even heard from him…oh yeah…except for the little note that he sent me through e-mail….some BS about loving me and thinking about me all the time. I feel so alone.

And the worst of it, in my opinion, is I’m slacking on my relationship with God. I feel so horrible, but yet, when do I have time to sit and develop that on top of everything else?

But hey, this is my life. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find some quarters in the washing machine, buy myself a candy bar. You never know. Like Forrest Gump says "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."