Saturday, October 16, 2010

Pass me a drink please

***Those who go to church with me, put your drinks down before reading. I would not want the gasps to cause choking and possibly death. I like you too much.***

I don't drink. I've never even gotten buzzed.

A buzz? The buzz? I'm sure you can see what I mean

The only alcoholic beverage I've ever tasted was some fruity drink in a bottle...that tasted like a fruity drink in a bottle. I'm really not even interested in the whole drink with friends for fun scene.

But, for some crazy reason I am rather obsessed with wine. Trying wine, I should say. Since I've never tasted it. Heck, I'm still afraid to walk down the wine aisle in Walmart for fear that some store employee (dressed in a dark uniform that vaguely resembles a policeman) will spot me. There I'll be, hunched over a metal shopping cart (to make myself more invisible, of course) containing two toddlers, trolling the wine aisle. He'll see me taking fearful glances at the wine, maybe actually attempting to touch a bottle or two; casting furtive glances around me every 2.5 seconds. His suspicion will grow and not 30 seconds later, he'll grab the radio that is clipped ever-so-conveniently to his shoulder and mutter into it, "minor in the alcohol, minor in the alcohol." While quickly walking toward me.

My imaginings have never made it much further than that.

Since I'm twenty-six, this would probably never actually happen to me. I have yet to see a take-down in the middle of the alcohol, a Walmart employee that is dressed in anything other than a nametag and khakis or, for that matter, anyone caring who's in the wine aisle. So long as you have your ID when you check out.

But my mind, it likes to wander.

It's probably from all the books I read. It can be dangerous to encourage the imaginings. I am living proof.

Moving on.

My mind has always been partial to the imaginings of me, sprawled in a hammock (that I do not own) under a shady tree (that I also do not own) on a warm, sunny, summer day. Great book in one hand, glass of wine in the other. No kids (haha). Possibly some chocolate (Okay, probably). Just spending all day, relaxing with a good story and wine.

These thoughts - they keep me sane when the children do not.

Now to the important part...

Water bottles are down my church friends? Good.

I bought wine. And I drank it.

Well, I tried to drink it.

I bought a couple different kinds, based on the advice of fellow friends, and started with the white wine.

Ummmm why does no one mention that wine, once un-corked, smells like rotting garbage? Because it does. And that was a problem. I don't willingly put things in my mouth that smell like they shouldn't be there.

I persevered.

I held my breath (I seriously considered plugging my nose) and took the smallest sip possible. I was warned that it would warm my throat a bit as it went down, and it did. I successfully held my gag reflex in check and decided white wasn't for me. On to the blush.

Blush? The taste was stronger, the gag reflex was harder to suppress and I was trying to convince myself that the red would be different. I wasn't very convincing. But decided that Red deserved just as much chance as the others to get me to fall in love.

By now I had realized that, even though they "claim" that wine is made with grapes, you can't taste grapes. Wine tastes like garbage and that nasty artificial flavoring they put in medicines to convince kids it's really candy. Let me tell you - I wasn't convinced.

I poured a little wine into what Noah had now dubbed "date cups" (he watches waaaay too many chick flicks with me) and took a small sip. And immediately dashed to the kitchen sink because I was about to hurl. I didn't.

But that was the end of the wine tasting.

So, if any of you are wondering what wine tastes like - I can now tell you.

Do you know that stuff that dentists give you before they fill a cavity. It comes on a cotton swab, shoved in your cheek, to numb your mouth before he sticks a needle in your gums? It normally tastes like cherries. And when you swallow it warms your throat in a nasty fruit way? That is EXACTLY what wine tastes like, except it doesn't smell like cherries.

I need to find something else to drink in my hammock with my book.


Odie Langley said...

Alexia, my friend, if I had been with you the experience would have been "totally different". You need a little guidance from someone who has been down that road. There really is a wine that does taste exactly like grapes and is delicious. Don't know how widely it is distributed but it is produced in NC in Duplin Winery and made from scupernong grapes. You can choose their "Scupernong" or I think thier best "Brices Creek" and one sniff is like smelling a bottle full of grapes. Or you can ask to be shown the sweet wines and specifically a scupernong if available in your area. I also think the dryer wines taste horrible especially the reds. Give it "one" more try. You might just be surprised.

Angela said...

I agree with Odie, if you get a wine that is not top notch, or even medium notch, it is nasty!!! Unfortunately good wines are expensive. Another nice thing that I enjoy, if I were to be reading a book in a hammock on a sunny day, is Smirnoff Ice. They taste soooo yummy!! They are fruity drinks. Yum!

Kristie said...

LOL! I had to laugh because that's how I felt about wine when I first tasted it...I also perservered and ended up quite buzzed and at that point they're all bearable :-) I do actually like wine on occasion now, but prefer Smirnoffs.

Aubrey said...

I am right there with you, sister! However, I went on a wine tasting tour with my girlfriends for one of their birthdays. That really helped. The people at the wineries would have me taste something and then based on the look on my face, they would give me something else. As time went on, I found myself tolerating several of them. (Or maybe I was just buzzed and stopped actually TASTING them as they went down!) By the end of the tour, though, I actually found one I enjoyed enough to purchase.